andypitz.com

A recent Facebook status of mine asked, “Do you think it helps or hurts a marriage to be able to email each other from two rooms away instead of talking?” I got quite a few responses ranging from non-committal: “It depends on the marriage”, to humorous and increasingly common scenarios like: “We email and IM each other when we’re only 2 FEET away from each other, sitting at the same desk! I think it helps ”

I think email, IM and texts are great relationship tools. In the 1980′s, if a couple was arguing it would often cause a guy to spray paint his feelings on an overpass. “Debbie Sucks!!!” Cathartic for sure, but how will he know Debbie even saw it? He may know she drives to work that way every day, but since there is no last name, how will that particular Debbie know she’s the subject of this vandalism? And Debbie is not at all required to reply to this message by also climbing up there. I’ve never seen that. No communication here at all. Now we have email which is obviously more targeted, less expensive and dangerous, and also better for the environment than propellants. Plus Debbie is much more likely to reply to an email than she is to climb up onto a bridge with Rust-oleum can in hand. Debbie and beau might actually accomplish some quality communication.

When things are going well, my wife and I often email pictures of funny stuff that the cats did or more useful things like shopping lists, requests for favors, etc. It’s always good to make your partner smile during the day or streamline a to-do list by sending info that can be referred to later. During tough times though, I tend to email most when I’m not feeling optimistic about face-to-face communication. I use guidelines designed for business emails, such as ‘Never write an email when you’re angry. Give yourself time to cool down first.’ This is definitely a good idea. I don’t think it would help the situation if I sent an email with the subject line “Way To Go, Asshole!”. Also, drafting an email provides time to think about what I want to say and ensure that I’m not including anything insensitive or reactionary, which I definitely do in person. Most times these emails eventually lead to personal conversations, both of us having more complete information about why either of us (or both) is in fact an asshole. My point is that I think cyber-communication is a beneficial addition to talking person to person, but it shouldn’t be the only means of communication that a couple uses.

If you have any stories, good or bad, regarding the use of email, IM or texting in a relationship, I’d like to hear from you because I find the subject pertinent and fascinating. Remember, don’t email angry. If you’re pissed off, use graffiti.